Harry Potter Sucks
by narbiglarb
Summary: He's also an irritating cabbage.


**A/N:**

**I'd like to thank my wonderful friend, imbananasfordananas, for giving me the awesome prompt. I could not have done this without you.**

**Another random point: Some may complain that Voldemort is OoC. Pssh. I beg to differ. **

**I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes. I only read through it once. **

**ENJOY – It was so fun to write.**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**This is a fanfiction, after all. It is based of off things I have read or seen, like the Harry Potter movies and books. Just a little somethin' somethin'. Oh, and of course, anything that belongs to J.K. Rowling belongs to J.K. Rowling. Yep. That's how it goes, you know? So there's no need to sue me.**

It's been thirty minutes. Where is the boy?

"Yaxley!" I screech to the lump hunched against the tree, obviously attempting to be as cool as I am. "Where is he?" I try to be menacing and even put a shrill pitch into my voice; Yaxley stirs, gets up, and wipes leaves off of himself. How lame.

"Yes, my lord?" he gushes, looking at me with a gaze of extreme devotion. Good boy. He's learned well.

I take the elder wand out from this awesome secret pocket in my robes. Yaxley looks pretty scared of this – awesome! Somewhat is buying my scary and evil facade. Sweet. "Where is he?" Again, I load my voice with as much venom as possible, attempting to sound like a total evil hottie.

Apparently, my plan was a total fail, because the great oaf simply nods at me and mumbles something incoherent, a reply that would definitely not be given to a total evil hottie.

This makes me extremely angry. Why would he mumble? I am Lord Voldemort! That sentence is the name 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' all rearranged! That is the coolest thing ever! Why would _anyone _demote the coolness of that by mumbling at me?

"Yaxley!" I scream, even louder this time, choosing to be scary instead of the evil facet I attempted earlier. "Where is the boy?" I take out my wand and point it at him. Still, he stands there, gawping at me, so I decide that this needs to be remedied. "Crucio!"

Immediately, he starts writhing on the floor. Well, first, he falls onto the leaves, but once he gets there, he starts writhing. Haha. How stupid.

"I" he gurgles a little bit. "I" he tries to say it again, but all I get is another gurgle. I can understand because I recognize it from the previous gurgle. "I don't know!" he finally manages to splutter. It amazes me – I only recruited this bunch of idiots so I could make myself look smarter compared to them. It was impressive that he managed to talk.

I really want to scream what a moron he is, but that will make me seem less cool. "You fool, Yaxley! I expected more of you!" This is a lie, since I don't really expect much of my Death Eaters at all. Again, I only really want them around me to make me look cooler, smarter, and more intimidating. Although there is nothing intimidating about the individuals, a large pack of hooded and masked figures can get a bit scary; I know – I had a dream about it once when I was little, and now I'm just scared of large groups of people. I really do not like talking about it.

I turn my back on the idiot and resume pacing about the large clearing where some spiders used to live. I choose this spot since it makes me look more fierce and unafraid of such trivial things as spiders, even though I'm actually really scared of them.

At the edge of the clearing, I see a large gathering of my death eaters playing chess to pass the time. Although I would never sink so low as to join them, I feel a bit sad that none of them would ask me to play with them, since I rock at chess.

"My lord!" an annoying voice rings from a pair of feet scurrying towards me from the back. Oh, God. It must be Bellatrix; no one else could be that terribly agitating. "Let me bring you the boy!"

It takes all of my willpower not to scream all of the profanities I know at her. Once I kill the boy, I will definitely kill her, too. "Bellatrix," I hiss in a totally sexy way. Crap. She probably thinks I'm coming on to her now. Whatever. At least she thinks I'm really hot. Hot to a exponential degree. "The boy is mine..." I'm kind of vague on this, so maybe she'll think Harry and I are gay together. Maybe, then, she'll realize that I don't like her. At all.

She pouts a little bit, then pounces away, resuming the game of Monopoly she started with her sister. Again, I feel a pang of sadness – Monopoly is my _favorite, _and not even crazy obsessed-with-me Bellatrix invites me to play?

I check my watch – I've charmed it to be invisible, so everyone thinks I can just magically tell the time. It's a Pokemon watch, since I have always secretly wanted a Squirtle – another reason to keep my watch invisible. For I while, I stand there and admire Squirtle hanging out on my watch, but the time catches my eye. There are only twenty minutes left for Harry to show up. Oh, no.

What a jerk. Can't he understand that I have feelings, too? Just because I killed his parents doesn't mean that I am a mean person! I'm not mean – I'm an evil hottie. Big difference, there. Can't he see?

I'm on the verge of tears when I hear a twig crack. There he is! It's Harry! I turn around, a big smile on my face, ready to run up and hug Harry (I wouldn't really, of course; I would kill him or everyone would think I was a wimp), when I see it's only that stupid albino, Lucius Malfoy. What a freak.

"My lord?" he asks tentatively, his voice quivering. Luckily, I manage to contort my face into a frown before the stupid man can see my hopeful beam. My hope goes out the window, but still, who wouldn't be excited that Potter showed up? If I wasn't trying to kill him, I'd probably join his fan club. I imagine myself wearing a Potter t-shirt, prancing around with his female entourage, following him as he dined at fancy restaurants, and giggling when he stopped to sign my autograph. I push the thought out of my head – it's too tempting.

"My lord?" he repeats, sounding equally pathetic. What an irritating cabbage. And not just a cabbage, a stupid, butt-ugly cabbage. For some reason, this reminds me of Amy Winehouse, and I restrain myself from singing 'Rehab'.

"What is it, Lucius?" I sneer at him, trying to look as evil as possible.

He looks taken aback – it is apparent that he did not expect me to be rude to him. What? Would I skip around him in a circle and plant some daisies? Obviously not. "The boy has only five minutes. Shall I go bring him to you?"

It is very insulting that people think I need to have this infant brought to me. I mean, I'm the most powerful wizard, like, ever. Seriously. I don't need some dunderheaded fool of a Death Eater to go and look for this boy for me.

After a while, he just goes away, probably fearing that I'll turn his head into a teapot. I add the idea to my metal list of cool spells to perform on muggles, and sit down. If Potter ever does show up, will I kill him? It is something that I will have to do or die, and I'm terrified of death. Terrified. So I'll do it. And I won't die. But poor Potter. I was going to join his fanclub.


End file.
